Losing the Dressing Room

The plan was to enjoy football, enjoy coaching, enjoy making a difference. The best laid plans of mice and men...

I thought I could genuinely help, I was an okay footballer, a half decent hospitality manager, with my basic coaching badge tucked under my arm, I thought it would be possible to help a talented bunch of individuals become more of a team, more of a force and achieve something to be proud of. I think I missed a few tricks. I never wrote 'believe' on an A3 piece of paper and pinned it high in the changing room for all to see. I never asked a player to be a 'goldfish'. What I did say, was to support one another, win, lose or draw, to give 100%, their Sunday 'day off' was an opportunity to do something for themselves. for each other, after all what's better than playing football with your mates?

What started off with a promise to my daughter, great intent, enthusiasm and an innocent desire to win, unravelled almost on a weekly basis. It's meant to be a bit of fun, training twice a week, sessions still went ahead even if only 3 turned up. A few friendlies, a few victories under our belts, and winners of a 7-a-side tournament, a confidence boost for the coach with imposter syndrome.

Then the season started, an unforgiving baptism, 12 players (where were the 20 who'd originally signed on), 3 carrying injuries, a keeper who sacrificed herself to go in goal even though she'd never played there before, another player who'd never played a competitive game before and a further 2 injuries picked up during the match, all of this and we faced the league's reigning champions. A courageous performance holding the score at 0-0 until 70th minute, finally going down 2-0. Following this defeat with a home loss against our closest rivals. Good performances but no wins.

After the third loss, players who in previous seasons had been ever present suddenly are unavailable. New players vanish. Established players state training is not progressive enough, every week I'm there, barely half a team turns up. What do you want to work on that establishes patterns, communication and a team spirit? Finally a draw, then capitulation in the next game after being 2-0 up. Then the dressing room really starts to turn. 'It's not working,' the cry from one of the players. 'It's not all sunshine and rainbows,' another tells me at training. I should have replied (since I've seen the clip recently) with the quote

It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!” ― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

Naïvely, I still think I can 'turn it around'. In the evening I'm struggling to sleep, the criticisms to my face, by text are unhelpful, perhaps they're meant to be useful feedback, after all they arrive with the caveat, 'I'm not criticising but trying to help.'

We're missing two talented players who can join the whole thing up, they're away for the first part of the season. When they return we are pitted against the league leaders. We have a squad of 15 to choose from. Every single person raises their game. We play a formation used in a previous season but one I'm not happy with. We do our usual drill, the one apparently that's universally hated and not good enough, only to watch the league leaders replicate it a few moments later. I'm animated on the sideline. The team, each player is up for it, challenges are full of passion, the defence is solid, the attack knitted together with talent and intent. I'm over the moon for them, after all a 4-1 victory away from home is not to be sniffed at. Unfortunately, it's nothing to do with me. The victory is theirs. Following the game the opposing manager accuses me of being a disgrace, I'm the epitome of everything that's wrong about football. Admittedly, I questioned the ref's decision when one of our decent players was having their ankles taken and not for the first time in the match. I should have kept my mouth shut, but I just wanted to protect our player. I wrote to the opposing manager and after reflection offered my apologies. In the next match, my opinions are kept firmly to myself. I believe I'm a disgrace. I'm not, I know I'm not as the support for my team from the coaching area is positive, why do I choose to believe a stranger?

Back to normal a week or two later, when experienced players are missing, another loss. Apparently, it's my fault that we missed a penalty because we're not playing in full size goals. Unfortunately, this bit of fun, is now becoming personal. There's an atmosphere. Every training session, every match. I can tell, I'm not wanted there. What did I get wrong? Apparently, I'm singling players out for special treatment, negative or positive. I really have got this wrong. What could I have done better?

A well meaning spectator provides their input directly to the team to try to explain the lack of teamwork, support, encouragement for each other. Who do I believe? The players, or someone watching? The support from the Captain and Assistant Manager offer me encouragement but this is a juggernaut I'm not turning around, especially when players are withholding their support for each other out of obvious or feigned dislike for me.

We play the best footballing side in the league, they are coached really well, encouraged from the side line, quietly, confidently, they support one another and remain positive even after we score first. They quickly work out our tactics, who to mark, how to pass between the lines, what running off the ball is required. We stop chasing back, we stop plugging holes, we stop applying pressure. We are resoundly beaten.

It's such a shame as we seem to have started to attract new players, people who seem to care, who want to improve, I think I can help again, unfortunately, the decision is clear and without delay the inevitable happens, we fold and our project is wrapped up disappointingly.

Not for the first time as an individual my worse fears are realised, I am an imposter, I am a failure, but by heck do I miss the team, the challenge, the opportunity for camaraderie. Why do I care so much, I wish I could just shrug it off but my feelings of failure and abject disappointment are complete?

Yesterday, I noticed this on Facebook from Game Changer Academy, may be I got it wrong but maybe in time to come, someone, somewhere might look back at this and ask themselves did they really help? After all, anyone can do these, but not everyone chooses to

1. Showing Up - turn up consistently, even on the days you don't feel like it

2. Positive Attitude - energy matters, the way you respond to mistakes, pressure says a lot about you, flinging your arms up looking for others to take responsibility says more about you than your team mates

3. Hardwork - talent means nothing without effort, work rate will always separate players

4. Commitment - doing the extra work - stay disciplined when others don't

5. Focus - training with intent, not just turning up and going through the motions - are my questions relevant

6. Take Responsibility - how did you react to a mistake, of yours, of someone else - what did you do to support them, were you kind to yourself - did you do something to rectify the mistake - where were your fingers pointed, at yourself, others, the coach

7. Consistency - anyone can have a good game, anyone can put in effort for one half, or one game, can you repeat that effort every week. Can you repeat your good habits again and again?

After a few months of reflection, I know I'm not a failure, I am determined, I didn't give up, I smiled regardless of the situation, I showed care to everyone regardless of their feelings towards me. I'd like to try to be part of something again. I'm sure I've got something to give. I'm worth more than how I think I've been valued.

Looking back at the promise to my daughter, I am positive I kept it.